Here's another installment from that marvelous
SkillBuild that I attended on Saturday 1 May at the High Point Public Library in High Point, NC.

 Former police detective Lee Lofland
updates his blog "The Graveyard Shift" regularly to expose
errors in police procedure. He's especially fond of skewering those errors he
spots on TV shows such as "CSI" and "Castle." For two hours
last Saturday morning, he kept the audience entertained over glaring TV goofs,
with the occasional cop escapade from 
his own experience thrown in.

Writers tell Lofland, "But I saw it happen
that way on TV!" This is one of his strongest motivations for educating
people otherwise on his blog. Here are some of the blunders he cites as
regularly showing up on cop TV:

• Positively identifying from the size of the bullet
  wound what caliber bullet was used
• Reading 'em their rights while they're being
  handcuffed
• Unauthorized arrests by CSI techsI don't watch police procedure TV.

Seems that every
time one of those shows is turned on in the house, I spot an outrageous
scenario like the following:

• The CSI woman arrives at an outdoor murder scene in
  makeup, heels, and a silk blouse displaying generous cleavage. Her coiffure is
  perfect despite a brisk breeze and an air temperature near 95 degrees. She's
  sunk half of her latest paycheck on a manicure. And the dead body she must
  examine is ripe.
• The CSI lab, equipment, and computer software
  interfaces look like they were lifted from the set of "Star Wars."
  Test results are available within minutes. Someone, somewhere in the world has
  an exact match for the fingerprints or DNA on their database. And they're eager
  to share.

I have an undergraduate degree in Microbiology, and
I spent seven years in science laboratories, indoors and outdoors. I'm also a
graduate of the Gwinnett County Citizens Police Academy, and I've spent
plenty of time interviewing cops. Here are some of the realities that I learned
from those environments:

• CSI techs are trained as scientists. It's ludicrous
  for scientists to dress up pretty for hands-on, everyday tasks. Whether you're
  culturing bacteria or collecting evidence, it can be messy work that entails
  the use of more protective gear than gloves. And why wear nail polish? Acetone,
  the active ingredient of polish remover, gets used in the lab often.
• Test results take lots of time: time for enzymes to
  work, time for bacteria to grow, etc. My guess is that the screenwriters who
  award speedy test results to TV police procedural heroes derive their
  inspiration from those quickie hematocrit and urine tests their doctors perform
  at annual physical exams.
  
• The final folks to receive funding for
  shiny, new equipment are usually those who work in government-run laboratories
  (ex. CSI techs). Need a centrifuge or an incubator? Negotiate sharing one with
  another department. Better still, since those folks have often adopted a
  scarcity mentality from having their funding cut each year, unearth a centrifuge
  or incubator from storage. It'll likely be broken, so you'll have to fix it.

Of course, none of the above realities form the
basis for glamorous cop TV.

And isn't it exciting when the TV investigator
makes an arrest based on the meticulous collection of cool forensic evidence?
But that isn't a reality, either. As Lofland pointed out during his
presentation, most crimes are solved when investigators talk with people,
witnesses. Not by analyzing collected evidence.

I found this last point interesting, reassuring. In
the late 18th century, when my current series is set, there was almost no
forensic evidence to evaluate. No DNA, no fingerprints or ballistics analyses.
I'm often asked how I can write convincing crime fiction without the tools of
modern forensics.

I do so because some things never change. Then, as
now, most crimes were solved when an investigator talked with witnesses. Also,
people of the 18th century were better at observation than we are now, better
at supplying an investigator with details he needed to resolve a case.
Centuries ago, folks had no text messaging to distract them. No automobile or
railroad to speed a journey. No television or electricity to keep them occupied
at night.

The challenge of creating crimes that can be solved
without modern forensics liberates me to focus on human nature in my fiction. I
enjoy that. I've read too many contemporary crime novels that substitute
forensics techno-babble for good plotting and characterizations.

But if you're writing contemporary crime fiction,
and you must have the ins and outs of forensics, I suggest that you start with
your local police department. If they offer a citizens police academy program, sign
up! Citizens police academies usually run for a number of weeks. (Mine
lasted nine weeks.) There's a lot of material to cover. Among other things,
you'll learn how many hats a uniformed police officer has to wear every day in
the line of duty.

If you're unable to attend a citizens police
academy, don't despair. Lee Lofland has organized the first annual Writers
Police Academy, scheduled for 24-26 September 2010 at Guilford Technical
Community College in Jamestown, NC. It's a crash-course citizens police academy
and promises to be an action-packed, fun weekend. Find out the realities of
CSI, accident reconstruction, arson investigation, fingerprinting, and a whole
lot more. Experts like a medical examiner and an ATF special agent will make
presentations. And so will thriller author Jeffrey Deaver. Register
online.

What's your favorite TV police procedural goof?